Erin's MindSay Blog

i just had to write about this, and those are seriously the suggested tags.

erinbear — 2005-05-04T08:05:28-05:00

Time to let you guys laugh at me. :) Marc and I had our first big argument a few weeks ago. by big, I mean it lasted more than 5 minutes. This one was about 2 hours long. Anyway, you know on sitcoms, when someone tries to storm away and the doors locked or something? And everyone laughs at the other's expense and ha-ha. Well, this particular argument had to do with how spoiled I am, so I threw him a pillow and said he could sleep on the couch my parents gave me, although it *was* given to me so maybe it wasn't good enough for him. Feeling very self satisfied, I resigned myself to go to sleep in the bedroom.

The trouble with the bedroom is that the doorknob is broken. So when you close it completely, it takes a certain measure of technical skill to manuever it open, a skill that (you guessed it), I don't possess. So I made a witty farewell remark and slammed the door shut. I realized immediately that I wouldn't be able to get out, but I figured I could wait it out until the morning and figure it out when he was asleep to save embarassment. Not the worst situation in the world, right?

So then, I'm lying in bed, and I get this great vengeful idea. Marc spends 99% of his time on the computer when I'm not around, doing wrestling-related reading and so forth. My parents gave me the computer. Hmph, I thought to myself. he wouldn't be making me feel so guilty for having nice parents if he couldn't do that anymore. Have you ever had an idea that totally consumes you, so you can't sleep without doing it? That's how I felt. I desperately wanted to go out there and password the computer so he wouldn't be able to do it, but the door was an obstacle. Do I attempt it, and possibly look like an idiot? Or do i leave it alone, and do it in the morning? Anyone who suffers from being obsessive knows that you can't just leave these things alone, so I tried the door. No luck. I knew he could hear me so I was getting more and more embarrassed. I was unable to stop because that would make me look like an even bigger jackass. Finally I heard footsteps.

Nothing makes you feel less like revenge than someone coming to your aid when you've been an ass to them. After he opened the door, I started laughing and the fight was over. But it was so humiliating. I'm a geek.

Love, life, and the pursuit of knowledge

erinbear — 2005-05-22T10:05:44-05:00

Good morning! I see a few friends have joined mindsay now, including my darling sister. I thought maybe I should be less candid with stuff now but fuck it. I hid the last entry because it was something i needed to get out. I desperately wanted advice but in the end I settled things on my own. Which is the best way really, no blame except on myself and lessons learned.

Bit of a wishy-washy subject I'm talking about today. It kind of relates to my last post. What defines happiness for you? Is a monogamous relationship something you crave or something you are currently deliriously happy in? Or are you like me, and need adventure, experience, education about life? Right now, I've chosen to be single. 5 years ago, I would've laughed myself to tears trying to imagine a time when I would *want* to be single. For the first time, though, it's not about meeting Mr. Wonderful or keeping myself available for the guy I recently had a "fling" with. It's about discovering myself.

With Marc, I was sharing my life, my personality with him and we were blending ourselves together and compromising. Goign back to Thompson was like a jolt back into my own skin. All of a sudden I remembered who *I* was and I liked it. And this summer, this next year is going to be all about that. You know how they say "You have to love yourself before you can love someone else"? I love myself, but I don't think I *know* myself enough to commit to someone at this point.

Is anyone else out there at that point? What point are you at?Are you happy comprimising? Are you happy just to have the security of someone there for you? I'm interested to know where we all are here!! :)

Did you invent behavioural interviews?

erinbear — 2005-05-26T10:05:57-05:00

Because if you did, you're on my hitlist.

In the past few months, I have had to apply for a number of office jobs. And for every office job, there is a behavioural interview. And I am so terrible at behavioural interviews.

I don't see how a behavioural interview is a more successful way of evaluating a candidate for a job. Did the people who developed this system realize how long-term memory works?

When you remember an event, it is stored as what's called an episodic memory. The quality and clarity of such a message depends on how emotionally charged the memory was. So when you ask me for a specific time that I dealt with a difficult customer when I worked in a dump where everyone was a difficult customer, why would you expect a coherent response?

Also, the interviewer scores people based on the criteria they want. So even if you didn't suffer from the nervousness I do and you answered every question calmly and rationally, you might not even give the answers they were looking for.

And finally, listen up Human Resource personnel everywhere, when a candidate takes the time to ask beforehand what specifically the interview will include, try to mention that there's a behavioural component!! Behavioural interviews are completely different from normal interviews, and the steps to prepare for them are completely different. So now I dislike cops, doctors, marketers, *AND* HR people. You know, for someone that's in business school, I'm rapidly running out of people I'll be able to stand talking to.

In summary, I had a job interview today and it sucked.

Hot Topic of the Week!

erinbear — 2005-05-27T06:05:46-05:00

As documented on Brandy's journal this afternoon, we have been seriously slacking on our topic of the week idea. So we decided this week will be on the Generational gap.

Parents just don't understand. But they do, I think. Just not about you. The bond between parent and child is something I've yet to understand, being only on the recieving end of parental affection, but I think it really messes up your reasoning. As Brandy said (she took all the worthy points from this topic, damnit :), we have the inability to solve any problems for ourselves. I think that's why we have such a bond, because are each other's life jackets as we dog paddle through life's ups and downs. And though I do agree that it's most likely due to the fact that our childhoods were carefree, my situation is a little more complicated.

I am the youngest of three. There are all sorts of studies on birth order, but as I recall, the youngest is the closest to being an only child syndrome, especially with an age gap between children.   My sister (2 years my elder) is only slightly dependant on my parents emotionally, and not at all financially. My brother (8 years my elder) isn't dependant on my parents in any way. And I can't go three days without talking to my mom. I know that she will pick me up I fall. So because I am the youngest, the same thing must have affected me that did Brandy. The shutting down of that part of your brain that allows you to successfully solve your own problems.

Okay, I just realized that this has segwayed far off course from talking about generation gaps.
Lately I have noticed how extremely alike I am to both my mother and father. Usually this sets every young girl into panic mode, but I'm actually pretty proud of having some of the traits of my parents. When I have something difficult to tell my mom, I tell her in slow portions, first a little tidbit of information..then a little more the next day, and a little more the next day.. She does the same thing when she tells my dad things.  So as I grow up (yuck), I'm beginning to level off and understand both my parents, but I still think that they don't understand me. On the other hand, isn't it creepy how moms know everything? How does that all fit in? Does life experience make you a lot better at assumptions? I talk to my mom sometimes and I get the distinct feeling that she knows everything I've ever done.   Mind you, she used to work helping drug addicts and people in really messed up situations, so maybe she just knows I'm not in one of those situations so everythings okay to her. Because I've gone and told her things that happened two years ago and she just says "yeah, I kind of knew that already".   Or, when I like a guy, she knows it automatically. Before I know.

I think the key to understanding generation gaps comes with time. Like when my mom used to see no point in staying out until 2 am on a school night, and then I would disobey her and me and the one other friend who also disobeyed sit around and do absolutely nothing, because theres nothing to do when you're 13 and it's 2 am. Nothing that would further your education, career, or well-being, anyway. And we sure never had all night study sessions! My mom was right. There was no point.  And when you parents tell you that "if that's the way your friends treat you they shouldn't be your friend". How annoying is that when you're an awkward teenager and you feel so blessed to have the friends you do, even if they are mostly self-absorbed drama queen assholes. But it's true. Surround yourself with positive influence, that's my life lesson of the year.

I've learned three really poignant lessons in my life.

Number One: Be yourself. Someone I was so in love with told me that once, and ever since I've started being myself, we've never got along better.
Number Two: Fuck all the negative influences people hold over you. Surround yourslef with positive people. Someone I'm so twitterpated about told me that one. So basically, I only listen to people I'm infatuated with. Haha.
Oh wait, Number three: Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. Brandy taught me that one, and I'm only a little infatuated with her! ;)

Three phenomenal pieces of advice that I should've saved for a "best advice ever" topic of the week, but I like to segway. So there.

zen!

erinbear — 2005-06-01T06:06:43-05:00

I wish I wanted to discuss some current issue or observation, but today is not a day for debates. I feel so zen. With rain falling in the background and early Zeppelin playing in the foreground, I haven't felt this serene in a long time. All I need now is a bubble bath and some sex and I'll be in ecstacy. So, What calms you?

I must say though, I do feel brandybear's pain about the door incident . Ouch.

Hot topic of the week!!

erinbear — 2005-06-09T09:06:56-05:00

So once again, the newly-addicted-to-the-internet brandybear has beaten me to the punch on this week's topic, eating disorders, and has taken all the good philosophy out of it. But I shall try to pick up the pieces and come up with something to contribute. I really need a blogging partner who isn't so brilliant. *makes a mental note*

So today I was watching the 20 most tragic deaths in music, and one of them was Karen Carpenter, who died of a heart attack while trying to regain the weight she had lost from having severe anorexia. It was a bit enlightening to me as there is a lot of talk about Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan in the news lately, and though Karen Carpenter was the first very public figure to die from the disease, it reminds me of hoow long this disease has been in the public eye. Also, how little has been done to try and mend the body image problems we have faced for decades. Centuries?

Personally, I have mixed feelings about eating disorders in general, and I don't think I'm alone in that. From the earliest I can remember, I have always struggled with control. As sick as it may sound, anorexia in itself is a great accomplishment. Food is an instinctual and fundamental need. To deny yourself that need is probably the hardest thing anyone could ever do. (Except maybe, the complete denial of sex ;) And I have to say that I have successfully overcame that in the past, although the need to be socially accepted has always curbed the effort to prolong it. In other words, anytime I've done that, I have eaten what has been offered in order to disperse suspicion.

This isn't the testimonial of an anorexic. It's the admission of someone who, by everyone's standards, would never be considered to have an eating disorder.   This supports Brandy's position that most people have an unhealthy attitude to eating. In fact, I believe everyone does. If you think simply eating less is the key to weight loss, you have an unhealthy attitude to eating. Or if you think McDonald's is a solution to hunger, frankly, you're delusional, but again, unhealthy attitude.

Eat to live, don't live to eat. Heard that before? It's interesting how much of a role psychology has in what we eat today. We eat what makes us happy.   Iced Capps, for example. I equate Iced Capps to spending time with Brandy, or having long conversations with Tim. Ingesting them has little to do with satiating hunger and much to do with reliving memories. In fact, I'm sure everything we eat has some psychology behind it. What happened to eating to satisfy hunger? Did that ever exist? I think the 20th century had much to do with this psychological dependancy on food. Remember the whole food equates love thing? I am reminded of it everytime I visit my grandmother.

Ultimately, I think we have lost touch with what nutrition is. I was watching (okay okay, it's all I do) Jaime Oliver's School Lunches yesterday, and I think what he's doing is great.   Society in general is comprimising nutrition for cost effectiveness, and in the long run we're all going to suffer.

On another note, Brandy mentioned that most of us are obsessed with food in some way. So is being obsessed with nutrition a form of disorder as well? I would hate to think that the people who are gorging themselves on fast food without any passing thought to what they're ingesting be considered "healthy", and by healthy I mean free from an eating disorder.

So there you have it. I'm confused. Heh heh. I love how everytime I write a topic of the week I can't decide what side of the coin I'm on. Brandy 3, Erin 0.

hooray.

erinbear — 2005-06-10T06:06:05-05:00

At the risk of (maybe at the chance of) severely disturbing my brandybear, I have to say:

There is nothing more sexually uninhibiting than some good phone sex. If you haven't, try it.

End of story.

Note to Brandy: Don't worry, It was with who it should be with. And I'm sorry for disturbing you :)

Aegrescit medendo.. the remedy is worse than the disease

erinbear — 2005-06-11T05:06:46-05:00

That's how I'm feeling about love lately. Love being the remedy; Solitude being the disease.

Last night was another trip down memory lane for both Brandy and myself. I dug up a lot of old mix cds and ran myself a bubble bath. Closed my eyes and drifted back to a time when everything felt complicated but wasn't. Such a contrast from now where everything feels so simple but isn't.

it's so easy to forget myself now. To live a plethora of different lives to different people. Feels like I'm getting swallowed up in lies. Sometimes I just step back and remind myself how I actually feel. Hard to keep track of who knows what anymore. Getting over my head with different men and in the midst of my manipulation, I remember how infatuated I am with my muffin. I think I'm just bored.

Decided not to contact the newly ex'd boyfriend anymore. Fucking funny how that works. broke up with him to preserve how we were. Didn't want our feelings to deteriorate anymore than they already had, and now he "needs time to change."

Which brings me to morals. Marc says that he doesn't believe in having sex with someone who isn't his girlfriend. I don't want to have sex with Marc, but that moral is foreign to me. I asked him if he would have sex with someone he was in love with if they weren't his girlfriend, and he said no.   Since when is a title more important than an emotion? So I spent over 365 days of precious life with someone who still believes in the high school mentality. I'm right by thinking that's a high school view, right?

In high school, some people had sex. With their boyfriend.   Towards the end of high school, it varied a little bit. Alcohol became a factor, one night stands became slightly more acceptable, but the fact remained the same. Sex, or sexual contact, was a precursor to being "together".

In the real world, love, life and sex is more complicated. You can be in love but realize it's impossible to be together in that traditional sense. You could be in a loveless marriage, with no monetary means of breaking out on your own, so you find a man or woman who will satisfy your needs while still remaining betrothed to another. You could have a forbidden love, with some obstacle keeping you from proclaiming your love to the world. Or you could just be jaded, scared and not willing to commit to anyone in that sense. But we all have emotional and physical needs.

Marc has decided he will not say that he loves me anymore becuase his mom (okay, there's a dealbreaker right there, but that's for another day) said that two people who don't want to be together cannot love each other.    How can anyone think that it's so black and white like that? When we first evolved into the complex creatures that we are, who we were with was defined solely by sex. And I don't believe humans were designed to be monogamous anyway, do you? Most creatures aren't. There wasn't the complex rituals of today, with the wining, the dining, the gifts and the rings and the ceremonies. How can you define your feelings based on the way society looks at you?

Lesson learned: Younger men are ridiculous. Should've listened to my mom when she said women matured faster than boys. I think you have to go 4 or 5 years up when dating men, because then you're usually near the same maturity level. Usually.    I'm interested to know what morals you guys hold on dating and sex. :)

my heart will be fine
just stop wasting my time

-Barenaked Ladies, Break your Heart

Reflections on the meaning of my life

erinbear — 2005-06-12T10:06:33-05:00

People say that true love is rewarding and beautiful. I'm skeptical. What could be better than the honeymoon period? I remember how I felt about a guy when I was 16. My first taste of unrequited love. I remember the real physical pain I felt in my chest when I realized I couldn't have him. Now, we are comfortable and special to each other, as friends. Is that what true love is? When the lust wears off and you're comfortable and special? How are we ever happy with that after we feel that all encompassing, desperate lust the beginning of a relationship brings?

I feel like I'll never have a relationship that lasts *and* burns with passion. Maybe that doesn't exist. I hate comfortable. When I was with Marc, I didn't wear makeup and I gained 20 pounds because he loved me anyway. He didn't care if I tried to be special for him or not. Maybe that's why Muffin gives me such butterflies. He makes me feel like I have to work for it. Maybe that's why we women go for the "bad boys" that don't give a fuck.

I want to see a couple who have been together for ages and still find each other exciting and interesting. People say that exists. If it does, I'll know that I may someday have security, although security is something that's become less of a priority every day. I just want to experience the most out of this short, inconsequential life. Excitement. Spontaneity. Maybe my fate is to live enough for a hundred people. Imagine how much I would learn.

oh..my..god!

erinbear — 2005-06-15T04:06:17-05:00

Holy (insert expletive here)!

I've just figured me out. You would think, living with yourself, you would know what makes you tick, or tock, or everything. But not me. Always wondered why some things bothered me and why some things gave me intense pleasure. The answer?

Control.

It started to dawn on me this morning, as I was talking to a new, but already dear friend of mine about what makes me who I am. It was still milling around my subconscious over the course of the day when suddenly, 12 hours later, it hit me. As I was talking to Muffin, a feeling of helplessness surrounded me. Why did i feel so shitty? Because I don't control the situation. He totally does. And everything started to fall into place. Why did I quit playing guitar when I was 14? Because my fingers were too small and I couldn't control how well I could play. Why did Marc and I's breakup make me cry sporadically over the last month? Not because I'm sad he's not here, but because I don't control him anymore. Why do I obsess over every vitamin, mineral, calorie or gram of protien that goes in my stomach? Because I need to control that and manipulate it.

Isn't that just awful? It feels like it's something I can control now that I've identified it. Haha. I just realized that now that I know it's all about control, I can control how happy or sad I ever am by controlling the impulse to control. And now I know how fucked I am.

Epiphanies are awesome. This is by far the most significant I've ever had. Thanks new friend. Thank you brain.

Public Service Announcement

erinbear — 2005-06-17T04:06:43-05:00

A little off topic than the usual rhetoric about the woes of life, but it needs to be said.

I was listening to Loveline tonight (my new obsession) and Adam and Drew were telling this guy who was 280 pounds (who wanted to ask out his newly transgendered friend but that's hardly the issue) that he should lose weight and get rid of his goatee.

What?!!? I'm a big fan of Loveline. It's listened to by many people and probably, many fat guys (perhaps with goatees). What a tragedy if they were to listen to this advice? It is a proven fact that I cannot get aroused by anything other than:
A) a fat guy
B) a fat guy with a goatee
C) a fat guy with a goatee who's a virgin

Mix and match, but the fat guy thing is a constant. I looooove bigger men. The bigger the better, but especially in that 240-300 range. So remember boys, when you get on that treadmill, a little part of me dies. :(

That concludes my public service announcement. I love you guys. *sniffle*

augh, the stupidity!

erinbear — 2005-07-04T08:07:02-05:00

Okay, I know I've been slacking but life has been kinda angsty lately which pisses me off more than you know, and I just can't bring myself to post about my inconsequential woes. I will, however, bitch about this awful insomnia! Especially when I can't find my sleeping pills! Augh!

Anyway, I post because when Marc and I broke up, I got custody of merely 3 DVD sets out of about 50. I don't know how that's fair, but apparently it is. Anyway, I got Murder She Wrote because Marc and I were on a cheesy old show kick. Man, is the acting horrible. But that's not why I'm pissed off.

Okay, in this episode I'm watching, this guy is outside her hosue as she comes home from her morning jog, and he wants to weed her garden in exchange for breakfast, and she just invites him in, no questions asked, and gives him breakfast. Suddenly, the phone rings! A murder has occurred! Time to run out and leave the hobo in the house for four or five hours! Jesus! What kind of lack of common sense is that?

Murder she Wrote: Helping old ladies get robbed (or worse!) since 1984!

beer in hand and story in mind

erinbear — 2005-07-09T02:07:24-05:00

So tonight I went to War of the Worlds with Marc. Awesome movie. Came home in a cab and got a free ride because I was "cute and the movie scared me". So that was great. So I get home. Close the door. And I hear water running. Water running? Could I be so stupid as to leave a tap running before embarking on a six hour outing? Surely not! I checked the kitchen sink. Nope. I check the bathroom sink. Nope.    Hmm. Come to think of it, it kind of sounds like the washing machines running. Could a pixie have come and did some much needed laundry? I turn the corner and find 2 inches of hot water on the floor and a geyser of water coming from behind my washing machine!

Panic sets in. First thought was to turn the breakers off. Surprisingly enough, It didn't work. Don't ask why I thought breakers may control water. But I think my general train of thought is that the washing machine was going haywire and If I turned it off, the geyser would stop. Must. phone. maintenance. But wait, I packed all things paper into a series of huge boxes, withoiut regard to organization and no trace of forethought. Plan B: Must. Phone. Mother. So as I hurriedly explain my situation while pouring out boxes of papers, the doorbell rings. Ah-ha! So the geyser is an epidemic and the maintenance man is here to save me! I hang up on my mom and answer the door wild-eyed and disheveled.    I see the cutest boy ever standing there. A hint of one of my exboyfriends with a little more sex appeal ( See previous entry about my taste in men :P ). The following is a transcript of the conversation:

Erin: Hi!
Cute Boy (CB): Hi I live downstairs and-

E: Oh my god! I just came home! And my dryer is flooding! Wait, my washer is flooding! And I have to call maintenance! And my paper is in a box! I'm so sorry! Is it flooding into your apartment?

CB(with a slightly amused, undistinguishable smile [fear? interest? empathy? who knows]): It's okay. But well, there's water dripping out of the light fixture in my bathroom-

E(interrupting again): Oh my god! THE LIGHT FIXTURE?!? I'm so sorry. I have to phone maintenance! I'm so sorry! I was out and I came home and there's water spraying everywhere, did I mention I'm sorry?! Do you want me to come down and tell you when I get it figured out? ( I think another sorry was here)

CB: No (slight fear in voice?) I just wanted to make sure everything was ok...

E(as he turns to walk away): I'm sorry!

CB: It's okay!

So now my impossibly cute downstairs neighbour thinks I'm crazy.   So I phone mom back as I'm staring at the small lake that has formed in the corner room of my apartment. She tells me, calmly and amusedly, that you can turn off the hoses to the washing machine b turning off these valves that are behind the machine. Who would've thought. Probably everyone except me. I take a step in. Burn my feet.

So I put my three inch-heels on. So picture this. I'm in my laundry room in very high heels, walking as slowly as possible to avoid burning my toes by splashing, and I put on oven mitts to turn off the valve. High heels and oven mitts! Crisis averted. Except... I own merely three towels. So i spend about ten minutes bailing out my laundry room (that's what we used to call it when my dad and i went fishing and the boat would leak because it was so crappy. The boat would periodically fill with water and we'd empty it back into the lake with ice cream pails!) and use my towels. Except now I don't have any towels to dry myself after tomorrow's shower.   But brandybear suggested rolling on my bed directly after. Weird, but I'm intrigued.

Could be revolutionary. So this is where I would normally as your advice in making a better second impression on downstairs boy, because I need friends and well, ones that look nice are better than ones who don't. How shallow! But I'm not going to ask you. Because I wrote him a note. I wanted to go downstairs and invite him up for a beer, but I figured him saying no to me going down there was a clear message. So I let a note (apologizing again) and extending an open beer invitation. After all, I couldn't be more embarrased, so what the hell.

Oh, and then I bought beer, because that's integral. MGD, and no bottle opener. I opened it the mans way, against a counter. But I was half tempted to hop downstairs and ask him though, because he has already gathered that I am an incompetant female. Moral of the story? Keep your friends close and your men even closer, for you never know when your dryer may flood.

"My dryer is flooding!"

Pissing contests

erinbear — 2005-07-18T11:07:53-05:00

Most of you know that I try not to associate too closely with the female gender. I'm kind of like a siamese fighting fish (which is a really bad example since it's males that can't be kept together) when it comes to people of the same sex as me. And it's great having so many male friends that don't participate in cattiness, unnecessary lying and the like. But one of the drawbacks to being surrounded by testosterone all the time is the pissing contests that go along with it. And I mean that figuratively. There is nothing more annoyingly and mind-numbingly boring than being in the midst of a unofficial matching of strength, wit or testicular fortitude. And unfortunately, I'm always "one of the guys" (and no, i don't like being one of the guys, but I'm just too cool not to be) so I get no special treatment. It really sucks.

So my message for today is for the men of today. Don't get me wrong; I adore testosterone and it's uses. ;) But next time you're about to engage in a trivial argument with a guy about who knows more about what, and a female is present, spare us. We don't get it. We'll never get it. And it turns us (or me) off. And makes my brain hurt. So stop it. Okay, I'm done.

Brandybear is back, yay! Comment on her mindsay and tell her to move back home!

company

erinbear — 2005-07-27T02:07:23-05:00

So I'm writing this, even though all I want to do is talk to Brandybear on the phone, she's like, my spiritual advisor or something.

I've been thinking a lot about my life's purpose. What would make me happy? I broke up with Marc because I wanted to experience life, and now I'm experiencing it. So why do I just crave to be with one person and only one person, forever? Is this a case of "the grass is always greener" again? I have a bit of a different perspective this time, since there's been guys coming in and out of my apartment every day this week and I know that I don't want to be with any of them. Oh, and the coming in and out is purely innocent, despite the obvious sexual tension that I've chosen to ignore.

   The thing that scares me, is that when I think of being with someone forever, I think of three possible options. Three people? How is that possible? Isn't there only one person for everyone? That being said, does this mean that it's impossible that any of these people are right for me, and I'm mistaking a lesser feeling than that one love that we all strive to discover? And that's not even to say that I feel the same way for all three people. I feel much stronger for one of them than the other two. But will that be forever, or just until the initial twitterpation wear off?

What makes someone marriage material?   Is it their overall personality and how it meshes with yours, or is it the fact that they make up words or the way they call you a dork when you're being especially silly, or the way they know what you're talking about before the words come out of your mouth? Or is it how much money they make, their goals for the future and how compatible it is with yours?

And people marry for so many reasons. Which type of marriage lasts forever? One that is spontaneous and spawned purely on an instinct because of the intense love you feel for the other person, or the other. A well-thought out marriage with a long engagement and a million plans for the future? I've heard the key is to marry your best friend. But when have you ever been in a relationship when you didn't feel like your other half wasn't your best friend? Or do they mean that it should be a best friend that didn't start out as a romance.

The reason I ask that is that my best guy friend recently told me he has feelings for me, which is kind of annoying since I spent four years getting over how crazy in love with him I was and now I have to do it all over again. But what if we were meant to be or something? What if all I've been through with him has made me strong enough to handle a relationship with him finally. Do I even want one, or is it all leftover feelings from how crazy in love with him I was before. My feelings on it are kind of a tepid excitement.   No flutterbies.   Does there need to be flutterbies? I feel them for someone else, so should I drag and drop this prospect to the recycle bin based on that observation alone?

In the end I think the only reason I'm thinking about this at all is because the person I really want has so many obstacles to overcome to be with me. And I don't have the strength. My laziness stretches into the mental realm too. Dangerously lazy.

And I've determined that you all love brandy's mindsay more than me because she not only is a better writer, she is a master of thought organization. Also, she tends to not talk about herself as much. Hey, maybe she and I can get married. man, that would make things easier. Would have to be an open relationship though. hmmm... ;)

if bitchy comments were legal tender, I'd own the world..

erinbear — 2005-08-10T02:08:37-05:00

Okay, I hate stupid people. There. I said it. I generalize, as I know you all hate, but it's true. Oh, you know what i hate more than stupid people? When smart people do dumb things. can you really imagine anything more teeth-grindingly awful than watching a train wreck in slow motion without any power to do anything except watch the splinters fly? Or watching people you have respect for slowly and painfully making choices that a two year old could look at and rationally conclude as a bad idea? Ugh. Maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed (or couch) today, but it seems like everywhere I turn I'm losing respect for someone.

So what does this say about me? Am I becoming overbearingly intolerant to anything that doesn't fit within my tiny spectrum of what's normal and what isn't? The worst part is that as I'm lying in bed, trying to rationalize the past year, I can't.  I don't even have respect for myself. Although I feel like I have the presence of mind to stop myself before I do something monumentally stupid again.   The people and events I'm referring to might as well have huge flashing neon lights above the situation blinking "This would be the worst fucking mistake of your life!!".

Yes, I hate stupid people, but in a way they are comforting.  When you meet someone whose intelligence doesn't meet your expectations, you come to kind of expect that they're going to fuck things up. You like to think that you choose positive influences to be with; happy intelligent friends who are never going to dissapoint you.   And then you get a phone call or you read something and you are so taken aback by the sheer stupidity of what they've done or what they could rationally fathom doing that your brain spins into confusion and denial.    Surely your best friend can't be thinking of doing this; surely your exboyfriend isn't going to jail. It was all so simple and uncomplex before. Is it the way of intelligent people to entertain themselves by fucking themselves over so badly?

Take all the worlds best dead musicians. Maybe it's the media sensationalizing horrible people, but personally when I listen to Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley for example, I can hear how sad they were but I could also hear the intelligence and the vulnerability. And the similarities between them and every fucked up person I know is uncanny.   And even though drug addicts annoy me, maybe inside everyone of those primal creatures is a vulnerable, intelligent person who couldn't cope with the fact that they had something to contribute to society but didn't know what, or didn't know how.

So what do I do? Keep being dissapointed? Stop caring? Befriend some accountants who measure risk rather than measuring ounces of alcohol? Anything?

Disclaimer to a friend: Just so you don't feel ostracized, this isn't just about you, the comments, and the drugs, it's about everything that's been going on lately.

bubbles and things

erinbear — 2005-08-12T01:08:23-05:00

Today, excluding work this morning, included a complete overhaul of my apartment. Cleaned everything, all the blankets, pillowcases, towels, dishcloths, clothes, rooms, everything has been washed top to bottom. With the help of apple mr. clean and a vaccuum, my house is very clean and makes me feel calm and relaxed. I am a virgo, and although i am skeptical about the relevance of astrology, i find that I am a stereotypical virgo in the fact that I am an neat freak / perfectionist. Unfortunately, my tendancy to procrastinate usually forces me to live in a disorganized mess, which in turn leaves me with a disorganized brain. Add to this wonderful feeling of being in control and organized the therapuetic qualities that cleaning provides, and the hot, bubbly bath I just came out of, and you are left with one clean, happy erinbear.

On the more stressful side of things, although I made a partial payment on my phone bill, I got a disconnection notice slated for August 12th, so this might be the last sign of erinbear for a few weeks if MTS decides to be nasty. I fear a little the concept of being completely cut off from all my distant contacts that keep me sane, but I am intrigued at what people without an internet addiction do to entertain themselves. Probably sleep a lot more. It will be an experiment, at any rate. That's if they decide to be asses about it. Meh. In this state of mind, it really doesn't bother me, except that Brandybear is A.W.O.L and I'd desperately like to talk to her before said disconnection occurs.

Uh oh, this isn't a statement or observation-ridden post at all. it's dangerously close to a "how my day was" post. At least it's happy. :)

no subject

erinbear — 2005-08-31T06:08:29-05:00

How come sometimes when you sleep with someone you find yourself drifting apart afterwards, and then another time you'll sleep with someone and you're instantly drawn to them?

I have to add that it seems like everytime you get that latter reaction, they're just not into you, but I'll chalk that up to Murphy's Law.

so it's been a long night..

erinbear — 2005-09-05T06:09:49-05:00

I drank a lot of green tea today. And that means I can't sleep. Damn green tea and its addictiveness.

You know what, boys? If you really want a girl, reject her. God, nothing makes us want or miss a guy more than being flat out rejected by him. Okay, I wasn't flat out rejected, avoided like the plague. Oh well, more where that came from. And if my calculations are right (and I'm sure they are), he'll be falling in love with me in exactly... 4 years. It's a bit unfortunate for him though, because I'll be wildly successful and much too good for him by then.

Lately, I've found myself so jealous of everyone. Brandy and my sister mostly. Not for what they have, but who they are. Wouldn't it be great to have talent, or grace, or confidence or power? I bet it would. Brandy, Shari, what's that like?

Not that I'm lacking in the self esteem department. I'm just painfully shy. But talentless, I certainly am that. Well, except for that special talent Brandy tells random British Columbian guys about. That one's legitimate.

We need a topic of the week. Everything I think of lately is self pitying or depressing. I don't have any good opinions on anything today. Except for the token "God that Katrina thing is terrible" although I really do believe it.

I have a new obsession with sushi. I have replaced all other foods in my diet for it. It seems healthy enough, and it makes me happy. It's so pretty too.

Today I dressed up all nice and took above banner picture among others. I don't wear low cut things that often. But I think it turned out okay. I recently lost some weight so it's nice to show off. :) This is quickly becoming a small talk post so I'm ending it now. I'll wait for orders from brandybear on what world issue I should rant about. :)

realization..

erinbear — 2005-09-08T12:09:11-05:00

Today was my first day of classes, and it was okay, except I suddenly came to the realization that I am unlike everyone I know. Everyone. I don't fit in with the people I work with because I have aspirations and dreams, whereas they're happily content with their $8.00/hour job and their ugly old cars. I was excited to be going back to school because at least there people were trying to better themselves.

But throughout today, my enthusiasm withered as I was met with nothing but whining and negativity among the classmates I thought I had figured out pretty well by now.

"I'm taking the minimum I need to graduate!" said one.
"I'm dropping this class, and this class, and this class.." another whined.
"I got a job offer this week. I think I'm going to quit school and work there. It's a permanent job so I can work there forever." said one that I had been sure was just like me.

I couldn't take it anymore. "What about your passion for learning?!?!" I cried exasperatedly.
This outburst was promptly met with peals of laughter from the classmates. Clearly I had made a joke. If only I had meant to.

This is when i realized that no one around me shares the same spirit I do. I love learning, no matter how much I may curse myself for taking on so much work at once. And when I think of my life I think of myself climbing a mountain to become more and more successful, whether it be in career or mind or body or love.

Isn't anyone ambitious anymore?! Sigh.

Topic of the week!!

erinbear — 2005-09-12T06:09:00-05:00

I should be in bed, morning comes early but I needed first crack at this topic of the week because Brandy steals it everytime.

Today's topic delves into female psychology a bit, although merely in layman's terms because psychology was a grade 11 course in high school and I was much too stoned to pay attention at that point in my life. Today we're talking about the effectiveness of hard to get, and how much being treated badly makes us woman hot. It's a disturbing but everpresent trend in today's society, and probably for generations before us. Look at how mad Scarlett was for Rhett. He was an asshole for sure.

I was thinking about it today, even before I had Brandybear on the phone. Trying to rationalize why we always go for the jerks. I figure it must have something to do with the confidence they exude. Some would say it's the thrill of the chase, but I don't think that's what it is for me personally. I don't like chasing. It implies working. I am nothing if not lazy (she says as she prepares for 1 of 3-in-a-row of 16 hour days). I think I need to know that I'm good enough for the person in question, and after I know that it stops nagging me and I can go on with my perfectionist life.

Case in point: Love #1, smart, incredibly funny, confident, and very mysterious in his feelings for anyone. I chased him for two years before I began the long, slow process of getting over him. 5 years after our first meeting, he admits his feelings and I process this. It was slowgoing but I finally found within myself that I didn't want him after all. I think that in the moment of it all, when the infatuation was still fresh, I would have come to the same conclusion had he ocme forth then, although it may have taken awhile longer than it did this time.

Case #2: Tim, omnipresent infatuation of the year. At first it was the fact that someone I admired wanted to spend time with me, and then it was the whole "What if we were in the same place?" star-crossed lover thing that got me. And underlying it all was the little things. The way we wouldn't talk about what we did. The way that I would meet him at his house after bar close. No public displays of affection for us. I had tricked myself into thinking that it was a way of making it all more special but I quickly realized that it wasn't so. Either he didn't want to be seen with me (but I'm awesome so that wasn't it) or he wanted to look available to the next thing that came along, especially since I wouldn't be there at his beck and call to satisfy his needs. I felt so intensely for him, I think because when I was with him it felt like such an accomplishment just ot be there. And his confidence was sexy. And he was talented. Yeah, I'm still getting over that one. :)

i'd love to advise you guys out there to play hard to get but I understand it's hard to predict when it would best work. Basically I think the best thing to do is to list your good qualities and be proud of them, make yourself worthy of her and know it. Confidence is sexier than anything else you can do, and much sexier than being a doormat. Yes, we like it immensely if you buy us everything we want and throw money and favours at us, but we won't respect you.

I don't know what I'm even trying to say anymore, but I was just inturrupted by a three hour phone call from love #1, so my head is fuzzy. Sleeptime for this bear! I hope what I wanted to see came through there. So much more to say..

yaaay

erinbear — 2005-09-28T12:09:18-05:00

You know, I have a bunch of profound things I could write about it. but i'm not doing that today. Nope, today I have only one thing to say.,.

SIXTEEN MORE DAYS UNTIL I SEE BRANDYBEAR!!! WOOO!! JUDAS PRIEST! Yaaaay, Thompson and booze and road trips and happiness and hugs!!! Life is so wonderful sometimes. :)

the evolution of music & sex.

erinbear — 2005-10-06T06:10:53-05:00

Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics!

So it's 4 am, slowly but surely I'm getting my project done (T minus 5 hours, if we're keeping track) but in order to stay awake, since caffeine pills are apparently overrated, I'm listening to a top 40 station on winamp. After listening to a horribly sexual rap (hip-hop? i don't know the difference), I decided I needed to analyze some of the differences between music today and music then.

1969:
Led Zeppelin - Travelling Riverside Blues
" Squeeze it so hard, I'll fall right outta bed
Will you squeeze my lemon 'till the juice runs down my leg
I wonder if you know what I'm talkin' about "

lol, that one even makes me blush and it's a horrible innuendo. But at least it's an innuendo!

1972:
Tim Buckley - Get on Top

" Get on top
Let me see what you learned tonight
Then I talk in tongues mama
Oh when I love you
I talk in tongues "

10 points if you can catch his drift!

1977
Queen - Get Down Make Love

"I can squeeze - you can shake me
I can feel - you can break me
Come on so heavy When you take me
Get down make love "

this song is just hot.

*****disclaimer: upon browsing my prince collection, I am excluding him from this study because he was perverted and vulgar way before his time :) Also, I skipped the eighties because nobody cared about sex then, just cocaine. *****

1990:
Heart - All I want to Do is Make love to You

" So we found this hotel, it was a place I knew well
We made magic that night. Oh, he did everything right
He brought the woman out of me, so many times, easily
And in the morning when he woke all I left him was a note
I told him I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden we planted a tree "

hehe, that's so cheesy, making magic, walking in gardens and planting trees, saying "bringing out the woman in me" instead of orgasm. How subtle. I love that!

1992:

Madonna - Erotica

" If I take you from behind
Push myself into your mind
When you least expect it
I'd like to put you in a trance, all over
Erotic, erotic, put your hands all over my body "

Pretty dirty, bondage. eek. Good song though. :) Getting a bit less subtle as we get closer to the millenium.

1994:

TLC - Red Light Special

" I’ll let you touch it if you’d
Like to go down
I’ll let you go further
If you take the southern route "

Personally I take great offense to this song because I was 10 at the time it came out. I had a TLC tape and I would listen to it all the time. And though my mom never bothered to set me straight, I would sing these lyrics everywhere. I had no idea what they meant. 0_0 I'm so mortified, stupid TLC. Why did they market us 10 year olds?!

1995:

20 Fingers - You gotta lick it

" I'm full of freakiness
So give my cat a kiss
And make me purr
So we can do this right
Ya gotta lick it before we kick it "

The sublety is wearing off, but the innuendos are still alive and well :)

2005:
David Banner - Play

" Finger fuck your pussy like you want some, girl
Work it like a nigga straight licking on your pearl
I wanna see you cum in the middle of the dance floor
A nigga can't fuck, what you think a friend of me for
I'ma beat that pussy up
You get it wet enough, I might lick it up
Lickey, lickey, lickey, like a peppermint swirl
Lick that clit
Cum girl
Uh, I wanna see your legs shake
Take you to the crib, we can fuck til the bed break "

Gross. This is the song that prompted me to write this. Like seriously, what happened to poetry? Innuendo? He used a simile though, " like a peppermint swirl". $20 says he doesn't know what a simile is. Christ. Does anyone actually prefer the phone sex over a lame bassline or do you prefer the subtle poetry of yesterday? You kids today..

Second disclaimer: I am so tired :) Also, I could have thought of better examples, but I'm tired and this was a lame premise for an entry anyway. :)

the tale of the unfailing optimist

erinbear — 2005-10-11T03:10:19-05:00

The first female best friend I ever had, I met because I called her a slut. To me she was a slut because we were in 8th grade and she was in diving, and the boys from my class would go to watch her because they thought she was hot. She messaged me later on ICQ because the fact that I called her a slut got back to her. Turned out she was less deserving of that term than pretty much anyone. We were best friends for years afterwards.

The second time I called someone a slut, it was because she dumped my childhood supercrush to go out with my best guy friend. This instance was pure jealousy on my part. Not only was she important to a guy I had dreamed of being important to for years, but she had stolen my best friend away too. Perhaps the best blessing for us there was when our friends turned 18, and we were left alone to drink Wildberry coolers and philosophize and over cups of salsa & crappy AM radio. She's my best friend to this day.

I look back on this weekend, at the name-calling and judgements and hurt feelings, and I'm reminded of how great it was to be proven wrong back then. Everyone I ever called a slut have turned out to be amazing people upon closer inspection. Maybe we're taking this term the wrong way. Maybe next time someone calls you a slut, you should be honoured. After all, isn't it flattering that someone cares enough about you to want to hurt you? Things could definetely be worse.

no subject

erinbear — 2005-10-16T02:10:33-05:00

to you:

sorry about the note. i'm not mad. i'll be around. tuesday morning on the bus if i dont see you before then. have fun with y(our?) friends.

being a rock star

erinbear — 2005-10-25T06:10:09-05:00

sometimes i listen to music and all i want to do is be a rock star. and i wonder, does everyone want to be a rock star? when rock stars are on tv, they always talk about how they would rock out in their mirror with hairbrushes as microphones, does everyone do that? or just the people destined to be rock stars. hmm.

alive..

erinbear — 2005-11-05T12:11:52-05:00

So, an interesting person expressed concern that I hadn't updated in awhile, so I feel the need to update. The reason I haven't been updating is because my counterpart brandybear's journal is full of revelations and new experiences, and here I am just living. I've really thrown myself into my schoolwork lately, and besides a nasty stomach flu everything has been fine. Money is non existant, I am running myself into the ground with overdue payments, but I can only pay for as much as I can manage, and take things a day at a time.

I've only made a few interesting self discoveries lately. First is that I was sort of involuntarily part of a clique of about 3 other overachievers at school and we've fallen out. By fallen out, I mean that when I missed a weejk of school that I had scheduled two months before, they didn't bother to fill me in on a few important details that would've been a common courtesy. Some girl I don't even know had to tell me about a last minute change in the format of the exam, the lack of knowing which would've cost me a pass in the exam. It felt like sabotage. The entire clique arrangement had always been unbelievably tense, with competition marring anyone's sense of friendship or teamwork. Since distancing myself with them, I've moved up closer to the front of the class and met some pretty amazing people as a result. The ones that make sense to me are the mature students who have focus and drive. It is funny to look back on the situation in retrospect though, as I hear the former clique whining about how hard the material is and begging to not have homework. Being surrounded by such a negative attitude, no wonder school became last priority last quarter.

The second interesting thing that happened is that I had the chance to be the leader of a group in one of my classes, and I really loved it. It was comfortable and exciting and something I could never have done when I started college. The last week actually, I've noticed a change in my outlook, and I think I've stopped caring a lot about what people think I am and focus on what I actually am, and being proud of that.

It's been the longest since I've had sex in months, maybe years (2 1/2 weeks). Augh. I almost broke down crying on the bus because I couldn't remember what it sounded like when Marc said he loved me, or remember when the last time that was. or really remember any detail of our constant companionship for a year. Nothing in life is certain. I'm beginning to think there's no reality of that idyllic love. It's just a fairytale. Love is work and compromise and love is forgettable with the right coping mechanisms and support systems. Maybe marriage is when you find someone who makes you happy enough to fight the perils of life together, such as the absurd cost of living in Manitoba :P I feel like love isn't making out for hours or talking in laundry rooms. That's life. Life has cycles. I remember meeting Marc. I lay there with him in the hotel and my heart was bursting. I had never felt so much in my entire life at that point. We agreed on everything, we talked about everything, Marc was a permanant fixture and in an instant, that fixture was gone. It hurt and sometimes it still hurts to feel like you were never loved in the first place by someone you love so much, but I still thrive; I am still happy. Life goes on. I wouldn't go back now. It's starting to seem unrealistic to base our life goals on such a replacable feeling. One year after that burst of joy that I felt with Marc, and I was lying in bed with someone else, feeling so intensely than ever before. And that's faded now. And that pain when it's over, was the same pain i felt when I realized that one of my best friends placed no value on me whatsoever, and I was as replacable to him as I eventually find people I date. It hurts more when it's a best friend that never loved you, for sure.

My point? I don't have one. Ii'm just taking a break between vomiting and sleeping.

Signs you're a useless excuse for a human being..err, i mean, teacher

erinbear — 2005-11-10T02:11:28-05:00

Number One: When you ask questions, no one answers you. Do you know why? Not because they don't know the answer, it's because it's painfully obvious that you wouldn't without your precious answer key.

Number Two: It may seem like you explain things really well when someone asks for help, but the reason why we say "ok, thanks" after your first sentence of explanation is because that even though we may not fully understand the concept, we know enough to realize you just answered our question with something really retarded that doesn't even make sense.

Sublist: Signs you don't know how to create a test
1) Three people walk out 15 minutes into the test, one exclaiming "Fuck this" in a loud stressed out voice.
2) You waste our time with dozens and dozens of "review questions", only to create a test that doesn't concern any of the material you assigned us to review.
3) Everyone (except the three who walked out) are there attempting to write your sorry excuse for a test for five minutes after the bell rings, despite your efforts to cut us off at the time limit.
4) As people are filing out of your classroom, you hear several people exclaiming, "What the FUCK was that?"
5) Your test is the equivelent of drawing a crude crayon picture of a monkey and asking us to calculate spending and efficiency variances for 2005 based on the data given.

Number Three: You have to hand out fake money for rewards in order to get anyone to attend your stupid class, and later penalize people who don't tak ethe bait by counting money for marks later in the term.

And Number Four: A school loving keener like me hates you!

something that bothers me

erinbear — 2005-11-15T08:11:00-05:00

What? Somethjing annoys Erin? It must be pretty annoying, she's never bitchy. Hahaha. Okay but seriously. What annoys me today is how goddamn replaceable I am. Most people have replaced me in their lives with mediocre substitutions. I'm not trying to be whiny and spoiled, but seriously. I know that the people who haven't replaced me could in an instant. It sucks to read certain mindsays about people who know they are special and unique to people, and it hurts even more to see certain mindsays making each other feel special. I wish i could disable commenting for this entry, because I don't want any bullshit replies about how everyone is unique and how I'm not replaceable because it's true, I am. Everyone I've went out with have new lives that don't concern me. They aren't sleeping with me, they aren't reminiscing about me, I just do not exist. Every friend I've had has found a new friend that serves the same purpose I did. I could not phone a single person and make their day. Am I jealous? Maybe a little bit, but I'm mostly confused. Everytime I meet someone they are all amazed at hwo great I am. Then what? The novelty wears off?

But I guess really, we aren't special. You know that person you really love? If you died tomorrow they would find someone new. Someone who made them feel just like you made them feel. Maybe they'd never forget you, but they'd find someone to serve that same purpose you used to. Have you ever been two faced? Have you ever cheated? Have you ever wanted to cheat? Why are we so arrogant to assume that's one sided? You've been cheated on, why do/did you cheat? Aren't you bitter, didn't that hurt?

I guess all I'm really trying to say is that I totally relate to a Tickle-Me-Elmo. Sure, on Christmas morning it's the coolest thing in the world, but in a few months it's nothing more than a creepy talking doll in the bottom of your closet. Yeah...

:o

erinbear — 2005-11-20T07:11:07-05:00

I have a funny update, but I am not going to do it until Brandy wakes up and smells the coffee. Or some other more preferable aromatic beverage.

I have a lot of anger :( I don't really know why. Just in general, not at anyone. Therapy? I don't think I could explain it and counsellors scare me because they don't help you anymore. They put you on pills. And before t hat? They declared you a witch and threw you in a lake. What a terrible profession. How can they sleep at night? Okay, time for FOX Sunday Night!!

P.s. Brandy: Just thought i'd let you know, Toronto's on a 4 game winning streak. Yeah. Ready to convert yet? Good luck to the Canucks tonight though.

no subject

erinbear — 2005-11-21T02:11:08-05:00

So about that thing I promised to post? The funny thing? Not happening, because it was supposed to be a humorous job description for a sugardaddy/booty call, because my current one isn't working out, but he just left and I have never wanted to be alone more in my entire life. Alone to sort things out and become the kind of person I always wanted to. That includes going to school, being healthy, and playing guitar, and that's pretty much it. As I descend into hermit-hood...

As above, so below
You ain't no fool and honey I'm damn sure that you know
Yesterday, today, tomorrow, come rain, come shine
Hell and back, the beginning in between till the end of time

no subject

erinbear — 2005-11-24T06:11:00-05:00

So the internet at home is gone. So how have I been filling my time? exercising. compulsively. 2-3 hours a day. not to lose weight, however, but just as a general escape from the boringness and constant emotional pain i've been going through lately. I am only numb when I'm exercising, otherwise there are tears welling in my eyes, or my whole body aches from my head to my toes, a burning feeling shooting through my limbs, completely in sync with the memories and pain that come to the surface, pain that had been quelled for years through my last painkiller, which is you, dear reader, the internet. sigh. i miss everyone.

no subject

erinbear — 2005-12-01T11:12:04-05:00

i hate my life

okay, thats it. nothing more, i just do. No sympathy, no encouraging words, i just needed to say it out loud and no one talks to me here.

no subject

erinbear — 2005-12-09T02:12:59-05:00

Hi, i am better now. or maybe that's just for phil's benefit :) I know he worries :P

Spontaneity

erinbear — 2005-12-16T12:12:20-05:00

I love how just when you feel like you're alone in the world and your life is falling apart, you get a surprise message from someone who cares about you. Tell Clayton I said thank you.

no subject

erinbear — 2005-12-21T01:12:55-05:00

i think i have to drop out of school.

no subject

erinbear — 2005-12-23T02:12:29-05:00

Yesterday was so nice. I saw so many people I love and it's so apparent they love me back. Everything fits now. I am feeling zen again :)

An update that makes sense? Could it be?! No.

erinbear — 2005-12-28T04:12:58-05:00

When I find someone I can have and they can give me security, I'm not attracted to them.

When I'm attracted to someone, they usually can't give me security.

When I'm attracted to someone and they *can* give me security, they dump me for a stupid nice girl who is not better than me.

I fucking give up. It's a old maid's life for me. In other news, today I practiced good karma and brought chicken noodle soup to a sick friend. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. Except now I'll probably get sick.

Watched The 40 year old virgin tonight. What a great movie. For the most part. I like funny! <3

what i will remember about new years 2006

erinbear — 2006-01-01T05:01:42-05:00

- the bathroom scale party game
- "you smell like love"

- bill being the life of the party
- the fluffy white snowflakes and the sparkly snow as I walked home
- our awesome jello shooters
- cuddles with safe people
- the first sober new years since i was 13

- phil sliding on the ice like a 2 year old

Suzanne (the hostess) took a bunch of kickass pictures so I hope she sends them to phil and he sends them to me. I had a really good night overall, I was kind of a bitch but being so is my livelihood really. The sparkly snow was my highlight. It was so nice out (-14 but there was no wind) and the streetlights caught the ice crystals in the snow and made them sparkle. Maybe I am just unhappy in Brandon but I've never noticed anything that beautiful there.

I was at coffee with Phil the other day and we were talking about Diablo II, and I suddenly realized that this same conversation happened sitting at the exact same spots 5 years ago. It's kind of comforting to know that despite everything that has happened to us collectively, a shimmer of our old selves remains. I find growing up to be the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. I have experienced so many people drifting away and finding new lives that don't involve me and I'm scared. In 20 years will I know anyone I used to know? Will I know how to find them? Will I want to find them? Brandy and I used to finish each other's sentences, and now she's so far away in body and spirit that I don't know if we'll ever be that way again. Maybe the close friendship we had was juvenile anyway. Troy and I used to base our lives around each other's schedules so we could hang out and be goofy as often as possible, and now he's grown up and drifted off so much that he couldn't stop by to spend New Years with us. And I didn't expect him to.

Maybe it's people like me who dwell on the past who miss the chance to create our futures. I'm so content with who I know now so I'm so hesitant to drift away myself. I don't even live here anymore, you think it would be easy to let go and find a new grown up life like everyone else seems to. I just can't bring myself to want to.

it's 4:30 am and I'm not making sense. I bet I sound pretentious. Happy New Years everyone!!

new!

erinbear — 2006-01-05T05:01:31-05:00

new website @ http://www.vitiate.ca .. hope to see you there!

no subject

erinbear — 2006-01-12T04:01:24-05:00

I miss the internet!!! That is all.

stupid timewaster

erinbear — 2006-01-25T06:01:26-05:00

1) Phil

2) Brandy
3) Stephen

4) Steve

5) Jodie

6) Troy

7) Danielle

8) James

9) Kurtis

10) Eric

11) Derick

12) Marc

13) Karyn

14) Clayton

15) Bill H.

--Is #3 your best friend? No.

--What would you do if the person in #8 was the father of your child? I don't see that happening. I would be worried about security :P

--Would you ever make-out with the person in #1? Been there done that? :)

--Have you ever had an R-rated dream with the person #4 involved? hahaha, hell yes.

--dreamed of kissing the person in #15? I don't think so, but he is an ex bf

--What type of music does #7 enjoy listening to? She likes Metallica and that Monifah song, not sure what else.

--What size clothing does #14 wear? medium-large

--Would #1 & #4 make a cute couple? rofl, no, no a million times no. please no! :)

--Is # 2 a guy or a girl? Girl

--Have you ever cried over #6? nope

--Have you ever seen #3 cry? no

--Would you give your life for #5? probably not, but it's sad to think about :(

--Do you think #9 will get married? I really don't know, after a lot of thought

--How do you think person #10 will die? something tells me it'll involve an "angry dragon" or "land shark" incident :)

--Is there anything that the person in #13 is overly obessed with? hmmm, tattoos maybe

--Does #11 have an obsession with shiny objects? no

--Does #12 have any siblings? Yes

--Is #13 a caffine addict? no idea

--What color hair does #14 have? dark dark brown

--How far does #15 live from you? Alberta (2 provinces)

--What is #14’s favorite color? Brandy would know, i'll say red or black

--Have you ever been on a date with #3? I never get to go on dates, i guess in a halfass way yes

--Does #2 have any secret lovers? not at the moment, unless they're ungodly secret :)

--What would you do if #13 turned out to be your lover? probably confused about my sexuality, but shes pretty hot.

--Is #6 innocent? hell no

--Can you picture #2 & #5 having a kid together? Brandy and Jodie? I'm going to take a stab at this and say no. :P

--What if the person in #1 proclaimed their love for you? been there done that? just kidding, I wouldn't be surprised, i'm pretty awesome and clearly the coolest chick he associates with :)

--Has the person in #3 ever visited a forgein country? just the US

--How far does #5 live from you? about 800 kms

--What would you do if you found out #4 was secretly your father who traveled forward in time to see you? Really, really, really, really, really sad and disturbed :(

--What is #6’s last name? Ander--- (internet is a scary place :P)

--Do you find #8 to be attractive? I don't associate with the unattractive, haha

--Give a random fact about #7? she's a very sweet girl

--Can #9 speak more than two languages? Maybe, he's pretty smart

--Does #11 spend hours surfing the web? Yes

--What is one of #12’s hobbies/interests? watching wrestling

--What is #13’s middle name? No idea

--Would #2 marry #14? hmm, I guess that remains to be seen, she probably would, and he probably would, but they most likely won't. :)

no subject

erinbear — 2006-01-26T04:01:21-05:00

hmmmm, twitterpation :)

haha, i just saw a yoplait tubes commercial where this kid was playing guitar with mittens on. Fuck that's adorable.

Jumping the shark

erinbear — 2006-02-01T01:02:17-05:00

Jumping the shark (from urbandictionary.com) : a term to describe a moment when somethin that was once great has reached a point where it will now decline in quality and popularity. Origin of this phrase comes from a Happy Days episode where the Fonz jumped a shark on waterskis. Thus was labeled the lowest point of the show.

So I decided in bed last night as I was trying to sleep that it might be a entertaining idea to use this term to identify when I knew relationships or flings had 'jumped the shark'. To protect the unfortunate, I'm not going to identify who I'm speaking about but I'm sure some of them will prove to be nostalgic and hilarious for Brandybear. I hope it will inspire others to do one to compare our mistakes, misfortunes, and miscommunications with the opposite sex. Or perhaps it will cement how shallow I am.

Anyway, without further ado (these are all different people):

- when he picked me up for a "small drive" and I ended up in Flin Flon ( four hours away ). We almost hit a moose. It was supposed to be romantic?

- when i refused to sleep with him, he pulled "it" out and began touching himself, telling me he wanted to worship me as his goddess. I called a cab, and he asked for a hug before I left, and as disgusted as I was, I obliged. That's when he attempted to pull me onto his exposed lap and rub me against him. I have never run so fast!

- when we were lying in bed for the first time, he took a stuffed animal and started making a voice for it. Cute, right? Until he took another and had a ten minute dialogue with them, in increasingly higher pitched voices and completely ignoring me

- when he gave me an absolutely atrocious clock. I wish I could describe it. It was the biggest eyesore I have ever seen, and I truly believe he gave it to me as a gift only because he could not take having it in his possession anymore. And I was too nice to throw it away so it stayed in the closet forever. It's probably still somewhere in Princeton Towers Suite 815..

- after bragging about his mint condition classic camero that was supposedly parked in his garage for weeks, we drove to his house and parked his parent's van in the garage, beside an old rusted out truck. "Where's your camero?" I asked casually. "My Camero? Oh, yeah, uh, um, it's in Winnipeg right now, getting fixed!" I raised an eyebrow; "Couldn't you order the parts? You *are* in Power Mechanics." He looked down and said "No. The parts are really rare so only this guy I know in Winnipeg can do it. He's doing it for free. He's a buddy." Riiiight. But I give him credit for being the most confident, unabashed liar this country has ever known.

- When he showed me his European porn collection.

- When he said that Rufus Wainright's version of Hallelujah was wayy better than Jeff Buckley's version. WTF?

- when he got his girlfriend pregnant.

- when i bled all over his shirt (through my nose) in the dark

- when he bit my lip and it swelled to three times it's size and I had to go to the emergency room, and later explain the incident in a staff meeting at work (thanks dani!!)

- when i realized he sounded really eerily like Richard Ramirez (the serial killer), and also, when I realized he was 34 and acted younger than me (18 at the time)

Okay, I'll think of more. But that's it for now. I'm drawing a blank.

Also, stealing from the Salvation Army is very, very bad karma.

Oh! Oh! Oh! This is what I've been working on for the past few days! It'll be going up above my bed, pictures to follow when it does.

From Left to Right: Zen, Karma, Renewal.

Update: YES!!! YESS!!!! BEST NIGHT EVER!!! Okay, to everyone who ever felt heartsick, brokenhearted, rejected, not worthy, cast aside, used, etc. THIS IS THE MOMENT WE WAIT FOR. We tell ourselves that we're over it, we tell ourselves that we don't care anymore but we do, don't we? Secretly we ache and cry and idealize the man (or woman) whose rejected us as this person of neverending virtue. We count their perfections and forget their imperfections and ponder what went wrong. We lie awake thinking of what we could have done to cause a different outcome. Hurt turns to anger, and we want revenge. I dreamed of becoming the hottest girl ever and learning guitar and every song that reminded me of him I fantasized playing up on a stage while people cheered and he cursed himself for ever letting me go. Because inside I felt like I wasn't good enough now, that the only way I could get revenge was to be better. But he just messaged me, and he remembered things about us that *I* had forgotten. He told me how good the memories were and then he made innuendos at me. Mr. having-a-baby-with-his-girlfriend. What a sleaze. You were right about him, you-know-who-you-are. I still remember him as this great person so I will probably still talk to him and crap, but this obsession I tried to make everyone think was over IS over. YES!!!! And do you know what that means?!

In my life, I have been rejected three times. Three times I have had these people confess to me afterwards how much of their own shit had caused the rejection. It wasn't me!! It was them!! Do you know what that means?!

Exactly! I'm fucking awesome!!!!!

Enough exclamation marks?! FUCK YES!!! Best night ever.

Another Update: I put some music on here because I know you guys don't like it and I do and I'm happy and so there!!!! :D :D D:D:D::D:DD:D:D:D:D lol

timewaster from the blog of mr james

erinbear — 2006-02-04T08:02:24-05:00

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

"Still, there's filler (Hellraiser and A.V.H) before we get to Road to Nowhere, embodying something that has since become Ozzy's saving grace: the surprisingly high quality of his ballads, Road to Nowhere pointing to the humanity beneath the mask, maudlin chords supporting a vocal delivery that is nevertheless impassioned and true."

Long sentence :O

Passing on something that made me smile

erinbear — 2006-02-06T05:02:49-05:00

I met a smart person today..

"To me friends are not a forever thing. Friends are people who accent your life in times when you need them most. True friends will always be there to some extent, but people grow apart. To me Family is the one thing that truly is forever. When looking for a significant other, I am looking for someone I can see as family while also being a great friend and companion. Friends grow apart and start families of their own, and this day and age people forget about family."

What would I do without guidance from others?

to the victor go the spoils?

erinbear — 2006-02-15T04:02:27-05:00

Well, it's not so often that I have anything to brag about on Valentine's Day, last year I busted my ass shopping at sex stores and sprinkling rose petals on Marc and I's bed, so in honour of being poor and alone, I didn't do anything for anyone this year. I had a Valentine, and he apparently got me something too but I get it later, and I'm looking forward to it a *lot*. I came home today to a hell of a lot of flowers and a package as well. Here are some highlights:

Flowers from Stephen

Handmade Jewelry Box from Stephen

Inside of Box

Derek's flowers (the picture doesn't do them justice! they are pretty crazy)

Overflow because the rest of Derek's flowers didn't fit in the first vase :o I suck at flower arranging.

teddy bear from Derek too.

here's everything

Crazy. So there were a lot of presents this year, from a lot of people I am not involved with. And I also got one virtual bouquet, and it meant more to me than any of this stuff combined. It is nice to feel loved, though. Anyone else get any spoils to show off?

saturday afternoon..upda...

erinbear — 2006-02-18T06:02:53-05:00

So the last few days I've been watching a lot of TV, and I watched Trading Spouses last night and Wife Swap today. I've never seen those shows before, and they really made me think. Trading Spouses was absolutely unbelievable, literally. There was a religious fanatic on there and she had to be dramatizing a little bit. I have never in my life freaked out like she did, it must have been an act. If not, that makes me kind of sad, because maybe I don't have passion? Or maybe she was insane.

Wife Swap is the one I just finished watching, and what go tme on that is a couple who hadn't slept in the same bed for 12 years, and as far as intimacy went, the few times they hugged she would pat his back you know, like men do at baseball games and awkward family gatherings. There was absolutely no intimacy, before and after the swap.

What I wonder about is how common that is. Growing up, my parents never really publically displayed affection. Sometimes they would hold hands, and always kiss each other goodnight, but that was about the extent of it. But that's still more than the couple on Wife Swap (although I guess reality TV exaggerates some things) I'm sure no one aspires to be in a sexless marriage. Another time Oprah said something like 80% of married couples have sex less than 10 times a year.

I guess what I wonder is, could you be happy and harmonious in a marraige that did not include sex? If you can't now, could you see yourself being that way later? I know what it's like to not have that happy honeymoon period anymore, but I've never had a relationship where we sat in seperate chairs while we watched movies together. I don't think I could stand it..

in other news, I don't hate Nickelback anymore. The song "fight for all the wrong reasons" describes 90% of my relationships perfectly. Msg me on msn and I'll send it to you :) I don't think it's a good thing though. :S I need my relationships to be healthier.

fucked up.

erinbear — 2006-02-19T05:02:39-05:00

What the fuck?!

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0217062contract1.html

Read this thing! :S :S :S

also, for the clueless: :)

This was written by a guy who has had years of experience.
Rules of Women and Dating

1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do

2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.

3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.

4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.

5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.

6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.

7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.

8. If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.

8.5 If you DO sleep with them, don't tell your friends that you did.

9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...

10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.

11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy..

11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!

12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.

13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.

14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him.

15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.

16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.

17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.

18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.

19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky.

20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like shit, so be understanding.

21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.

22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.

23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.

24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.

25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.

26. Memorize their god damn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.

27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.

28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.

29. Kiss her, kiss her often.

30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

bad day..

erinbear — 2006-02-20T11:02:33-05:00

"You'll get through it Erin. I've been there and I'm alright now and it'll be okay."

Simple words, the kind of words people in distress hear everyday from wellwishers. The kind of words that are so common they usually mean nothing except that the person who says it cares, and wants you to stop worrying. The only words to make me cry tears of hope in months, maybe years. Someone told me recently that friends are temporary, that you eventually stop needing them. There have been so many times I have thought that maybe our friendship had 'lost it's usefulness', but now I know that's bullshit. Thank you for being there.

So I cried today. I am crying right now. If you had told me when I was 14 that I would be relieved to see tears I would have laughed hysterically. There is a profound difference between tears of frustration, over not getting what you want, and tears of regret and sorrow, because you have let yourself down. I remember being told that I was so important to someone because I was such a positive person, maybe the reason I'm not important to them anymore is because that's so far from the truth.

I hate angst, I hate emotional bullshit, but I am so full of it today. I've been living numb, I can literally envision the box that I keep locked inside my head with everything that I feel trapped inside of it. I feel like I'm living a secret life that no one knows about. I'm so far gone Brandy doesn't even know how bad it's gotten.

Even as I write this I am holding back so much. I can't even fucking write in my physical offline journal about anything becuase I'm denying it from even myself. I'm so sick of small talk and I'm so scared of big talk. Where does that leave me? The only person I ever opened up to used me for sex and left me. And I never expected that, I never once did expect it. Didn't I have enough issues before he did that? I don't know what to do, I'm desperate...

Zakk Wylde - Sold my Soul
Without you woman by my side
I'm contemplating suicide torn from all my pride
A man tells me, son that ain't the way
Gonna make a deal with you child
Gonna live another day
Just sign right here son
Everything will be alright

Ain't nothing I wouldn't do
All & everything for you

my lips may promise but my heart is a whore

erinbear — 2006-03-04T04:03:13-05:00

I think the reason heartbreaks are inevitable because of the blind faith we put in other people to be like us. Some people say that opposites attract, while some services successfully match people according to how similar their interests are. Maybe both are true. When I was younger I had a really terrible self-esteem. This really only changed over the past year, when I was able to leave Thompson, my boyfriend, and the labels that being from a small town thrusts upon you. Alone in a new unfamiliar place, I had to meet people. And I discovered how special I am.

I know people now that I would never have known in Thompson because in a small town, you have your unit and you don't stray from your clique. If you do, it's a baby step. You don't have the opportunity to find yourself in an entirely new social group that often (notably though, in two situations: the graduation from junior high to high school, and the year you fall into the bar scene) In Thompson, you go out to see people you already know but don't see very often. Here, I go out to meet new people, and have new experiences. This fundamental difference defines who I am now.

I've totally digressed. The point I'm trying to make is about compatibilities. I think people with low self esteem ( which isn't always apparent) seek opposites and people who are comfortable with who they are want to find a similar equal, because they genuinely enjoy their interests, values, strengths and even weaknesses. I think I am now the latter.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the perfect man and the perfect man *for me*. Is there even a difference? I don't know, deep down I know that George Clooney is indeed the perfect man, but realistically, we have nothing in common and he seems like a bit of a hippy so he isn't the perfect man for me. My brain keeps a checklist in my mind but I really want to write it down, although I hear that limits your options. Maybe that's what I need though. I am so tired of conveniently forgetting certain dealbreakers to fit the profile of someone of interest. It is such a waste of time.

I must be the biggest contradiction in the whole world. I really enjoy being alone yet I feel this need to find a soulmate. I believe in those, y'know. I think I have a couple already, in fact. But I have needs and one of them doesn't have the means to fulfill them and the other, well, we won't go there.

I was watching Oprah today (holy fuck, I REALLY HATE starting sentences with that) and Diane Keaton was on. She reminds me of my mom a lot. She had phoned her kids the day before and had written down what they had said while they were on the phone. Everyone in the audience and Oprah thought it was so cute, but I thought it was so moving and beautiful, like the only way the love between a mother and child has been expressed on television. Bleh, I wish I could find a transcript. Oh well, it was awesome. She is a little flakier than my mom but the goodness is there.

Sorry about all the hollywood mentions, I guess the Oscar buzz is getting to me. Maybe a perfect man post in the future.

blahblah

erinbear — 2006-03-06T03:03:30-05:00

So I have to bitch about something again. But not before I quote something from my mom's IM convo with me last night, she is wonderful:

		Erin - Bearific!			i want to do things for them and they are things i can't do
		alta (L)			you are a taking care of people person
		alta (L)			be erin, though.
		Erin - Bearific!			yeah
		Erin - Bearific!			but needy people bother me so i don't think i'll end up with one for a husband or anything
		alta (L)			I hope not
		Erin - Bearific!			i only like people who are in denial about needing to be taken care of :)
		alta (L)			LOL!
		alta (L)			Prickly difficult, interesting people
		alta (L)			like yourself, for example
		Erin - Bearific!			yessir

		Erin - Bearific!			you are one crayon short of a full box
		alta			which one?
		Erin - Bearific!			..of crayons
		Erin - Bearific!			purple
		Erin - Bearific!			arguably the most important one
		alta			yes
		alta			you stole it
		alta			had to be you
		alta			scumbag
		alta			rotter
		Erin - Bearific!			:-O :-O
		alta			bum
		Erin - Bearific!			i am totally telling child and family services that you called me those names
		Erin - Bearific!			which i will not even repeat!
		Erin - Bearific!			as such filth is not in my vocabulary
		alta			heh. too late now
		alta			of course not
		alta			washed away by martinis. probably

So two of the three people I refer to in this entry are going to read this and go "god erin, focus on yourself, stop interfering with our perfectly awesome lives like you know what's best for us." And that's true. But I have to say it anyway.

Two years ago I was working at A&W, and there was nothing wrong with that, still isn't. But I decided with financial help to move out of Thompson and go to school, and through that I think I figured myself out pretty well, and gained a lot of confidence.

It pains me to read entries like Brandy's last, about how she is so obviously underappreciated and then when a boss who knows what's best for THEMSELVES sweettalks her she goes back for more mistreatment. You can do better, honey, seriously. You don't need to go to school to find an employer who isn't exploiting their employees.

It pains me more to NOT read any entries from Phil about how he could fulfill his life. His life is pretty damn sweet, admittedly, but he has always struck me as someone special, who needs to give something of himself to the rest of the world, be it rye-and-coke-in-a-can© or whatever. I hate seeing people who are supposed to care about his best interests holding him back for themselves. Not that it's something I wouldn't do if I lived there and he threatened to leave, that would be uncool so I understand, but it still sucks. Life is so short and you get old fast and now is really the time to realize dreams before it's too late and your life is past and your reflecting on 6,000 trips to Chicken Delight for coffee and not a single lasting memory of real adventure. Maybe it's not for everyone, I don't know.

School is not for everyone, I know that. It doesnt even matter. My point is that anything's possible, and the two people I mentioned in this post are so talented and wonderful and amazing, and should be full of confidence, so they shouldn't be scared of change or willing to be treated like a doormat. That's all I wanted you to know.

the perfect man

erinbear — 2006-03-07T11:03:29-05:00

So the perfect man list is here! And I made it interactive! The format is a little shaky, the results gives you an error message where there shouldn't be one, but I used an external form submitter and it's for purity tests. The number you should look for is the one that mentions your compatibility! Please post your reuslts here! LINK! See if we're meant to be :) girls, you can take it too, but if you ladies click yes to having a goatee, be aware that such a fact actually loses you points ;)

stupidity on the high seas

erinbear — 2006-03-10T07:03:21-05:00

So I was innocently online on MSN, just chillaxing. I should mention for the sake of clarity that my user picture is this:

I think it's pretty funny. So anyway, I get this message. Might I mention this is someone I actually was seriously considering dating at one point. I rewrote the convo because his spelling & grammar isn't so hot.

Stupid (name changed to protect the well, stupid): What's a buccaneer-american?
Me: I can't tell you
Stupid: aww, how come?
Me: Because you should just know
Stupid: Does it refer to being Canadian?
Me: No.
Stupid: Anti American?
Me: No.
Stupid: Tell me!
Me: I can't, you should just know.
Stupid: Quit teasing me!
Me: It's a skull..with crossbones...WITH AN EYEPATCH...on a black flag...
Stupid: a pirate?
Me: Yes! (thinking there is hope for him yet)
Stupid: I don't get it.

Sigh. I need a better screening process x_x

aggravation :(

erinbear — 2006-03-13T02:03:53-05:00

So this morning I woke up happy enough, and then I went online, started talking to a friend on MSN and bam, huge argument about stupid shit. Anyway, it got me to thinking, what makes people like the music they like? Some responses:

A self proclaimed musician:
"A good blend of instrumental rythmn, as well as solid composure, with voice and lyrics that match the feel of a song (feel is speed, overall effect)... Ozzy Osbourne is the king of metal in that area"

A guy who reviews metal:
"either way, something that entertains me makes for music i like. i don't have a specific set of rules as to what's good, i just know what i like and what i don't like. Music is in the ear of the beholder... i like tons of lo-fi shit that's basically just some guy with a drum machine and a guitar screaming in his basement. i also like some overly produced stuff. As far as popular music in metal goes, everything basically follows trends. A lot of the times bands that are popular are just bands who copied a band who was already popular. Playing metal doesn't require talent, it just requires a low IQ and a lack of originality."

Average Joe 1:
"I like music that gets a response out of me."

Average Joe 2:
"mental imagery usually, although a song with a piano in it usually gets in my most played section"

Concert Coordinator:
"Because it makes me happy to hear it. I don't really question it. It either moves me or it doesn't."

For future reference, do not mention down or superjoint ritual to a pantera fan. they are crazy. i am a pantera fan, but i'm of the opinion that it's the music that counts, not the people behind the music. I stopped caring about that shit when I was about 11 and read about Daniel Johns' favourite colour in Tiger Beat. next time you see a scary looking metalhead, picture them for the pigtailed little girls that they probably are. Sorry, that's anger talking :P Scary looking metalheads, I am probably attracted to you, apply within.

So, why does your music make you happy? What makes a good song?

sometime i hate dreams..

erinbear — 2006-03-14T02:03:26-05:00

I had a dream last night that I was trying to kill diablo (lol) in realk life but I got sidetracked putting more spells in my spellbook (ookayy) and I went into this room where I heard a wizard teaching magic and I sat down with these two guys; one of them was this big guy and the other was a smaller guy, they were both industrial types, they were taking school for Inco or something. Anyway, I really hit it off with the big guy, and when i left he wanted my number but i asked him for HIS number and then i wrote it on HIS hand. I realized it after I left and woke up feeling like I blew my one big chance to be in love or something. I'm so sad I'll never see him again, he was cool, this figment of my imagination. It was a depressing feeling, and I have never had a blonde moment in a dream before. weird, not quite phil's zombie dream but it was sad and I wanted to tell it. His name was Bruce.

developments!!!

erinbear — 2006-03-15T02:03:56-05:00

My life has changed in two hours!

I am leaving for BC for an undefined period of time in twelve hours. I just found out.

I was listening to loveline, and they have a loveline group that they all read and take questions from, so I posted, "i love this myspace/radio interaction, thanks for doing this! :) I wish I could think of a problem to be acknowledged :o" because I was happy about it and whatever, and THEN. DR DREW. QUOTED ME. ON THE AIR. AND SAID THANKS ERIN. Best. Moment. Ever. I hate being starstruck but I've admired Dr. Drew forever. He's smart. And I'm smart. yay!!! That means I'm like three degrees from everyone now. I'm goign to ignore the fact that they talk to like 50 normal people a night. But never from Canada <3 This is my shining moment. haha. Okay I have to pack :)

BC

erinbear — 2006-03-17T07:03:37-05:00

So I am in BC! And it's beautiful, wonderful, amazing. It smells like trees and rain and orchards and the mountains are breathtaking. I have a lot to tell you about my trip, all 26 hours of it, but all I can do today is write to say how invigorating this place is. I'm in Creston, BC. Today I went to a bakery and everything was organic, and I had a wrap with spinach, tomatoes, olives, and feta cheese, and eventhough I normally hate olives and feta cheese, it was really yummy. I went to a market where all the food had no preservatives. I don't want to come home.

here is a cute story my mom told me yesterday

erinbear — 2006-03-20T02:03:45-05:00

My grandpa was working at a fruit researc hplace (where they make new kinds of fruit) in Summerland, BC a really long time ago, and my grandma was visiting a friend there. They found themselves at the same dance and my grandpa said that my grandma danced like an angel, so they struck up a summer romance. After teh summer was over, my grandpa gave her a poem he loved and his address and she went back to Victoria, and that was that. Six years later my grandma was thinking about my grandpa and she found a copy of that poem, sent it to him with a note, and they started writing to each other. A year later my grandpa came to Victoria and married my Grandma, and they've been married for over 50 years now.

I thought it was a beautiful story, although i didn't tell it very well, and I guess I loved it because it reminds me of how certain we think everything is when we're young. Oh he's just a friend, oh that's been over for awhile now, but maybe your soulmate is someone you've passed over before. Just something to think about.

headdesk

erinbear — 2006-03-25T07:03:55-05:00

don't tell me you love me a week after we met. that's not cool. it was going so well.

philosophical today.

erinbear — 2006-04-04T03:04:26-05:00

love love love.
How long did it take for you to say it?

Today I had a conversation with a friend about love. My last blog was a pretty annoyed one at the fact that someone i was interested in said I love you way too fast. But then I started to think about it.

Remember your first love? Your second? How long did it take for you to say I love you and mean it? What happened in that relationship, did it fail horribly? Did you find him or her and your best friend in bed when you came home one day? If so, it probably took you longer to say I love you the next time, right?

Saying I love you is essentially saying "I trust you." The more baggage you have, the longer it will take to trust someone, thus the longer it'll take to say I love you. I used to think that maybe if it took you longer to say it, it meant *more* than if you said it off the bat, if you trusted easily, but I don't think so anymore. I think love is a feeling so unique that when yu think you feel it you do. So if I'm right about that, why did that guy say it back to you and then betray you? You can't possibly know what's going on in someone's brain. They can say it and appear sincere but they actually don't feel it the way you do. I know it because I've done it. I've said I love you in return to someone, been lovey and sincere and all the while know in the back of my head I didn't feel it. So that brings me to my last point, is *true* love a different feeling from the rest or is it just that point where the feelings you feel for one person is mirrored by that person in return?

remember this

erinbear — 2006-04-07T08:04:37-05:00

This is more for me than for you guys, so i can remember, my sister is the funny

Fake Radish says:
S'mores make me ill
Erin - 93 days till SLAYER!! Children of Bodom = best workout music EVER says:
Its because you're not hardcore
Fake Radish says:
I remember eating them at Brownie camp and feeling like I got salmonella.
Fake Radish says:
So I haven't eaten them since!
Erin - 93 days till SLAYER!! Children of Bodom = best workout music EVER says:
what does salmonella feel like?
Fake Radish says:
Pretty bad, you get this odd fishy odor fumigating from your intestines
Fake Radish says:
Making you nauseated
Erin - 93 days till SLAYER!! Children of Bodom = best workout music EVER says:
lol
Fake Radish says:
It's a terrible thing. : <
Erin - 93 days till SLAYER!! Children of Bodom = best workout music EVER says:
sweetie i dont think salmonella means 'salmon in your belly'
Fake Radish says:
Of course it does! There's also tunaberculosis
Erin - 93 days till SLAYER!! Children of Bodom = best workout music EVER says:
ahaha
Fake Radish says:
And the Carp. : <
Fake Radish says:
I gots the carp.
Fake Radish says:
And fishyllis
Erin - 93 days till SLAYER!! Children of Bodom = best workout music EVER says:
you're so funny
Fake Radish says:
I also have crabs.

hahaha

no subject

erinbear — 2006-04-15T02:04:20-05:00

i was pondering a question all day, wondering about the answer and two seconds ago i realized it's the age old question, stemming from the age old adage, "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Is it really?

Is it normal to get insanely jealous that the person in question has a past, a history, has been attracted to someone else before, has been with another person before?

I'm not the jealous type, what does it mean when the not jealous get jealous? Is it the sign of a more intense feeling or is it just a sign of changing?

If you have to wonder if you're in love does that mean you're not?

Where's the goddamn user guide?!?

best easter ever

erinbear — 2006-04-16T03:04:30-05:00

A look back at Easters past:

Age 10 - Watched Mom run over Easter Bunny on our way to get ice cream
Age 14 - Friend got killed by a drunk driver a week prior to Easter
Age 20 - Endured Good Friday and Easter Sunday in a Catholic Church

And Present:

Age 21 - Blasted music, drank beer and played video games all day

Life is looking up. :)

arrgh

erinbear — 2006-04-20T05:04:36-05:00

have you ever actually SEEN yourself getting screwed over but you continue to give all of yourself in the hopes that maybe you're just paranoid? God I hate people. I can't wait for Phil to get here on Friday, and for Brandy in July, I just want a hug :(

so uhh yeah

erinbear — 2006-05-01T05:05:03-05:00

This weekend has been a night of firsts.

LAst night I went to a bar with this girl from work, and her cousin. After standing in line at one bar for twenty minutes, they decided they wanted to go to the other bar (which is 2 mins from my house) , so we went there and waited in line for an hour, got in, had a shot and they wanted to go back to the first bar, not even 3 miuntes after we got there. like wtf. Which leads us to my first first of the night, I stayed at the bar all by myself! And I met tons of really interesting people, only one genuinely nice guy. He was a rugby player. His friend was an idiot. I met a 6'10" guy who lifted me onto his shoulders. That was really high up. Good times.

This morning I woke up to the phone ringing and that was my second first. The first time I ever remember waking up after drinking way too much and being unbelievably happy :) And giggling.

This evening I walked into the bathroom after not daring to glance in the mirror all day (10 rye and cokes and uncounted shooters usually wreak havoc on me) and I was happy with the way I looked. I didn't look as made up as usual but I just looked nice. I've never felt that way before.

I think everythings falling into place, but then again how many times have I said that before?

life and its changes

erinbear — 2006-05-03T02:05:06-05:00

So I remember when I was younger my best friend and I had a little joke running that I must be infertile. No matter how many stupid choices I made and pills i forgot take, I would never ever get pregnant. I worried sometimes, but it was always unfounded.

At that time, it seemed to me (maybe us) like the golden ticket. The last thing I ever wanted was to get pregnant. To me that signified the end of childhood, the end of getting loaded and the start of worries, responsibilities, stretch marks, and burdens.

Recently (like last Wednesday), one of my good friends had her first baby, a baby girl. She is so happy. I remember talking to her about labour, and how scared she was. She came home from the hospital and all she could talk about was her baby. Not the nine hours she was in the hospital bed or the obvious pain she most likely went through (although if I know her she took every painkiller they offered her).

I think as a female we always get baby fever when someone has a kid, it's in our genetics. I don't want a baby right now, I want a boyfriend right now. And I met a boy who makes me giggle all the time. And he sings in between silences, it's adorable. And I know it's taboo to say I would want to have kids with the next boyfriend I get, but I'm probably planning on it. The next one that's as serious as Marc, anyway. Not that I'm saying that would be the boy who makes me giggle, but I feel like if the next one can make me giggle all the time it'll all be okay. But let's not jinx anything. It's not that hard to find this journal, lol.

But what if I *am* infertile? What if it goes full circle and I'm like Helen Hunt in Mad about you; in my 30's and standing on my head after sex and counting cycle days and taking fertility drugs? And what if it doesn't work? I don't want to adopt. I know I worry too much. But what if? I'm scared to go to the doctor and find out.

And I really wish I could just talk to Brandy once without her phone cutting out or her being too tired to talk to me. :( The new girl friend I made here is no Brandy. But really, who could compare!? :)

James Dean

erinbear — 2006-05-15T08:05:56-05:00

Today I spent way too much money. Can you tell I'm depressed? :P

Not really depressed, kind of just exasperated with myself. I'm so obsessed with conquest. Last week the backstreet boy, this week james dean (I've decided to nickname all my conquests from this point forward in order to maintain the anonymity of those who so briefly pass through my life).

James Dean (the conquest) is so named because he has the spirit of James Dean. It's been awhile since I've caught myself staring at someone, not becuase they are super attractive or anything, but because all of their mannerisms and actions are so amazingly unique and intriguing and adorable. He's soft spoken and he's kind of a tortured soul and he opens doors and offers his coat and gives me the last of his pumpkin pie. He's liberal and he has brown eyes just like everyone I've ever been flipped for. So that's my new conquest. I don't want to have sex, I don't even want to cuddle, I just want to know what's in his head. Haven't noticed such an interesting person in a really long time. So when you don't want to have sex and you don't want to have a relationship how do you get someone who doesn't drink to come and hang out with you without implying you want more than that? This is a tricky one.

Ever since I was about 19 I have had this weakness for the goodness of people. This guy at work (who happens to be a replica of Daryl, except nicer and better) ran into me in the cafeteria, just a little, and he held onto my shoulders to make sure I wouldn't fall and asked if i was alright. He's one of those tough exterior I-don't-give-a-fuck types but that action alone just showed something underneath, maybe just the product of how he was raised but it was pretty wonderful. I know once I finally do find someone, it won't be a jerk, it'll be someone who cares deeply about being good. I'm thinking it'll be a lot like the Daryl clone though, the good will be in the core, not the surface. I hide my softness too so I think ultimately I'll be attracted to someone who's the same way.

I could ramble on forever about this but Grey's anatomy is on. so yeah, at a later date. Homework! what makes you melt?

score update!

erinbear — 2006-05-21T01:05:22-05:00

Erin: 1
James Dean: 1 (It was a win win situation!)
Daryl the second: 0

happy birthday to me?

erinbear — 2006-08-28T01:08:04-05:00

rarely do you guys get any form of emotion besides amusement out of me, but I just wanted to take this time to thank my friends for making me feel loved at every available opportunity. There have been times where it felt like if i hit bottom it would be into a pit of spikes, but thanks to the support of you guys i know theres a huge soft fluffy metaphorical pillow waiting for me when shit goes down.

90% of you are on here because you live elsewhere, and it's hard to keep touch when we're so far apart. To the people I have friendships with, you know who you are, you're in my thoughts always and i wish you could be here to celebrate the one day I'm not selfish, ironically the one day I'm supposed to be :) To the people I don't know that well yet, I hope this next year is filled with opportunities to change that.

Anyway, I've declared today as all your guys' birthdays too, so let's get drunk and make bad choices! :) woo!!!

Kurtis

erinbear — 2006-09-02T09:09:08-05:00

A few months ago I had a chance to be with someone I wanted a really long time ago. I said no, for various reasons, i thought these reasons were mature and sensible but he thought they were childish and manipulative...

I saw him today, I think he saw me.. I looked down so I couldn't see the look in his eyes. What do you do? Smile and wave and watch them whiz by ignoring you? So I looked down and glanced up every once in awhile to see whether a smile and a wave happened on his end. Nothing.

It's not about being with him. That's not what gets me. I remember when I was 18... I would go to his apartment at 8pm and walk home at 8am out of breath and my tummy hurting becuase I had just spent the last 12 hours laughing. When we were together briefly a long time ago, he was the only person I'd been with who would make me burst out laughing during (what is always in your younger years awkward) sex. He has a beautiful soul, I think.

After that we would talk a lot just about life..he would tell me about his relationships, I would tell him about mine. This town is all lies, rumors and backstabbing. The few times I heard a negative word about him, I would never hesitate to defend him. I don't defend *anyone*. Not even my good friends, it's just not worth the argument.. but I felt like for him it was. He's an awesome guy and doesn't deserve that stupid petty bullshit that people start out of boredom here.

I wish I had the courage to just look him in the eye and say "are you still mad?" but I don't want to hear no. I don't want to see the rejection of me in his eyes. Yuck. There really are consequences to truly caring about your friends like I always do. It really screws with your emotions when you lose one. I've only lost like 1 friend in my whole life. It kills me.

Thanks for letting me rant guys.

no subject

erinbear — 2006-10-23T09:10:27-05:00

it's been awhile since i had time to update this blog...

maybe it's the cold weather.. maybe it's all the work i've been putting in.. maybe it's this damn flu i'm getting over.. at any rate I don't really feel as happy as I used to.

coming back to thompson is like finally seeing it from an outside view. people have probably wondered why i have these fucked up values, and maybe they've seen a good person trying to break free of the patterns that were taught to me by living here... but now I see it for myself. When I lived in Brandon I found a lot of good people... In thompson, they all *seem* good but it's kind of like seeing a sweet looking apple and then when you cut it open it's rotten inside. Maybe I'm like that too...

A better example is what I learned from working at the front desk. We get strippers three nights a week, two girls usually. When they come to check in, I usually have to ask who they are. These girls are not the beautiful sex goddesses I grew up thinking they were. I wouldn't look twice at them in the street, and despite loving men I know a sexy girl when I see one. Fast forward to end of shift when I go into the bar for a drink and they're dancing.. they are transformed by the blacklights and the makeup and the costumes to be something to be admired. I always thought that these women would have the utmost confidence in themselves, to completely love and accept who they are.. but a few of them walk past the desk crying after every show. Anyway, back to my analogy, seems like everyone here looks good under 'blacklight' but eventually they come into daylight and they are damaged and fucked up.

So i see this day-to-day, the alcohol, the self-medication and to cope I become numb and my relationships suffer. An endless spiral. So even though I may tell people I like thompson I hate thompson. I really do. I need to leave if I'm ever going to get better, I know I'll just get worse.

blah, this is as emo as I'll get. promise. :)

stupid lyrics post

erinbear — 2006-10-30T10:10:55-05:00

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doing It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see your old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

...

erinbear — 2007-05-05T07:05:13-05:00

Five Stages Of Grief
1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.

what the fuck? i was all the way up to 4 and i went back down to 2!

pathetic

erinbear — 2007-05-22T07:05:15-05:00

Jesus Christ.

So i go over to Kevin's house yesterday. And i hadn't seen him in a month.... to play his new wii. And this is the gayest thing to ever be mad about. But I am. Not mad, upset. So we are playing stupid wii baseball and your teams consist of a bunch of characters that have already been created on the system.. So there's an Amy. Amy, the one he cheated on me with, the one he said didn't mean anything.. couldn't help but notice her pudgy little mini avatar was prettier than mine. I pretended I didn't notice, or didn't care. He made me hug him when he dropped me off, and he didn't want to let me go. But fuck him. I pretended I didn't give a fuck. But I'm sick to my stomach thinking of them lying in bed together..where I stayed for so long. PLaying wii then fucking then going to bed and cuddling. I don't even fucking want him I'm jsut so mad he wants someone else. Fuck him, and fuck love, I'll always have the upper hand from now on. Always.

toxicity

erinbear — 2007-06-16T02:06:29-05:00

Just when I realized that I'm allowed to be angry I realize that I don't even care anymore. Can you imagine someone breaking your heart and then you comfort them because you feel badly for how guilty they feel? I can't believe how pathetic I was. But it's so funny how you can care about someone so much and it fades so easily.

I am the happiest I have been in maybe ever. These past few weeks have been life-changing. The best part about the way I feel right now is that it's not the kind of thing that's going to fade. The reason we have our ups and downs is because of outside influence. The day I stopped letting other people control how I feel about myself and about everything really is the day I started to live.

I see the future for myself and it's blinding. The remnants of my former self still cling to the vengeful thought of how sorry some people will be when they see how I have blossomed, but it doesn't drive me anymore. I don't care if they ever see it. I don't care if I ever see them again. Some might say that losing your faith in humanity is a negative thing, but I think for me it's quite the opposite. It's kind of ironic posting a blog about not needing acceptance from people anymore, but I suppose I'm still not quite there yet.

I was reading through my old journals.. Every single entry was about someONE. I have neglected myself and my passions for 23 years and I'm done living for everyone else. People are disappointing.

Life is so precious and short and full of infinite possibilities. Mine is under construction.

argh!

erinbear — 2007-06-23T01:06:11-05:00

I know now that I have never been in love before this.

And so the first time I fall in love it's with a jerk that doesn't love me.

How inconvenient. >_<

good people vs the other ones.

erinbear — 2007-06-30T04:06:35-05:00

So I've been ?blessed? my entire life by attracting and befriending a slew of genuinely *good* people. Living sheltered for most of my life, it was a shock at 19 when I figured out that people aren't always good deep down inside, some don't have any redeeming qualities. Sounds pretty straightforward, but it was hard to swallow. Still, I have always been surrounded by people who prefer to sacrifice their own needs and feelings to ensure everyone around them is happy and comfortable. They are the types who will keep a secret, who will come over at 5 am when they work at 8 am to hug you when you're crying your eyes out over something that later turns out to be trivial. Good people.

I've always felt like I had a radar for them, and I guess that's where I went wrong. I started looking for good qualities in people, even when they weren't there. I was recently infatuated (dare i say in love? temporarily though, so thats more infatuation) with someone that had so many flaws in their character, it's ridiculous upon retrospect. Slowly as the infatuation fades I remember little observations that I had chosen to ignore. How selfish he was... How lazy he was.. he was talented but passionless, almost soulless. A musician who doesn't feel the music. Or at least is unable to express it. I hated his eyes but I convinced myself I loved them. He was perfect, on a pedestal miles high. He was not a good person, but I was so used to being around them that I didn't see it. Like my compass was spinning uselessly, I couldn't see it coming although it was blaringly obvious. Even when he would hurt me and I would cry myself to sleep (when everything was "perfect") I made myself ignore the signs and convinced myself we were in love. Now I remember all this. I remember my friends' warnings now, and I remember how unhappy I was but ignored.

When I started going out with Mike, I was really confused and worried. Kevin had wore my self-esteem down to where I thought that I was nothing to anyone but a sexual encounter when no one better (read: anyone else) was available. So when Mike showed interest and we ended up sleeping together early on, I was pretty scared. I think I still haven't let him in because of it, but there's something I love so much about our relationship, although it's new. He isn't perfect. Sometimes he's cold and he doesn't always hold my hand. He doesn't reach across when we're in a car and rub my thigh, like Kevin always did and made me feel safe. But I wasn't safe, so the gesture was empty. He doesn't like everything I like, and we laugh and have fun together but he doesn't make sure I'm always entertained. He calls me his girlfriend and he talks about me to his friends, something I think Kevin never got around to doing, of course. His best friend took the phone form him last night to tell me how much he liked me and how of all the people he'd seen Mike with, I was the one he thought would be good for him. He's wrong, of course, but it meant a lot to be trusted. There is something so breathtakingly real about him. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time on Kevin.

I guess I learned that perfection isn't realistic. Beware when it all seems too good to be true.

me and mike!

erinbear — 2007-07-04T08:07:54-05:00

Me and mike this past weekend!

days of our lives (or something equally dramatic)

erinbear — 2007-07-04T11:07:00-05:00

And so it goes, our final fight. I had been on this stupid forum site looking for something to buy (Kevin had showed it to me, it's where we got our concert tickets when we missed the box office) and I came across a very interesting post, showing that he had been trying to sell the PSP i gave him and all the games I bought and skipped happily home to give him. Just a payday, I Guess. My gestures didn't mean anything. So I tried to resist starting drama(why not let sleeping dogs lie? I was rid of him. He had been ditching out on me for weeks), but the old liquid courage saw to it that I made my feelings known. I messaged him.

"So I joined because I knew this site had a good For sale section and I thought I could get some cheap stuff. I sacrificed a lot so that you could have that psp and you could be happy, and it looks like you've been trying to sell it ever since. Maybe next time you could just ask me for $300 dollars so as to avoid any confusion. It'd be a sooner payday for you too. Something to consider next time you screw somebody over I guess!"

Hastily he replied...

"I have zero money for my tattoo, and its coming up in a couple weeks. I'm not sure what you mean by sacrificing, you picked it up off the floor, charged it, and gave me? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it and all, but I use it about as much as you did, and it's about the only thing worth value other than my guitars. I'm sorry you feel that I somehow "screwed" you over. You make it sound like you gave it to me and I put it up for sale within minutes. If its about the money, how about you take the psp back and i'll sell off the car kit, and all the things that I paid for (which should add up to the asking price anyway). Then you can have some of the money I SCREWED you out of, and use it to buy lots of cool things. Like an mp3 player, or a dvd player. Oh wait, those are things that I need to buy again. Maybe you feel i've failed you as a friend, maybe I have. If that is the case than I am truly sorry. You know, I tried to do some nice things for you when you came, bought you nice things (yes, you did too, and thank you), gave you a place to stay. All because I love you. So, please, cut me some fucking slack. If not, come get this fucking thing and you can have it all, and i'll figure out another way. I'm tired of drama, makes me miss working everyday and never seeing anyone."

At this point (I read this while at work) I became completely livid. He never bought me anything! I spent thousands on him! He "bought" me a DS before we even met in person, and I always had a suspicion he just traded it or maybe stole it or something. He lent me his dvd player when I mvoed out, I think somewhat to ease his guilt thinking about me lying around in my empty apartment crying while he's out banging a new chick. Then he wouldn't take it back. I hesitated. The mature thing to do would be to let it go, cool off and maybe salvage something. Let's not burn all our bridges here right? Then it hit me.

The only thing I had never done was stick up for myself with him. When I found out he was sleeping with someone else I asked him what I had done wrong and if there was anything *I* could do to make it better. How pathetic. I knew that the only way to gain closure was by telling him how I felt, truly. I was scared witless. 'I don't want to make him uncomfortable! He hates it when I don't cater to his needs!' I thought. I forced myself to think of everything he had done to mistreat me and tear down my self-esteem, and I got angrier. I started to write, fists clenching at times, stabbing at the keys.. I wrote as honestly and uncensored as I could.

"Yeah, i guess it wouldn't matter had you actually been a friend, so i probably am being dramatic. thanks for ditching again saturday. I was never going to talk to you again but this came up and i couldn't help myself. I bought you those games because I loved you and was thinking about you and wanting to make you happy. you were supposed to get your dvd player back but it was way too much trouble for you to hang out with me in order to get it. So don't try and use that. I even offered it to you last time you were here. It breaks my heart that I gave you like 100 chances to hang out with me since you dumped me and you blew nearly every chance (except when you came back to get your dvds). I don't know why you let me stay with you. Keep in mind that i was going to stay with some guy that wasn't you but you wouldnt let that happen because you weren't comfortable with it. Roughly a week and a half after that, you were fucking someone else behind my back. Another mindfuck. I don't know why you do what you do but I'm sick of it. Come get your dvd player and your mp3 player and the ds if you want, i don't give a fuck. You can try selling that too.

I wish you happiness in the hopes that maybe it'll help you to realize what a fucking terrible thing it was to waste so much of my time. I wanted to salvage our friendship, how much fun we had and how funny we were to each other, but the way you've treated me the past few months (and by that i mean, not caring about me at all) makes it impossible to remember why I even cared about you in the first place. Even as I write this I hesitate to send it in the hopes that you'll turn around and not be like this anymore, but I'm sick of waiting around for that to happen. Thanks for saying you loved me so much without really seeming to understand what that meant. Fuck this, fuck drama, fuck you. Have a nice life. "

Just a few words. Maybe meaningless to the readers of this entry, but it represents such a big step in my life. I shook after I pressed send, I even frantically searched for a way to get that message back.. to unsend it. I sighed and accepted the fact that I had finally burnt a bridge. It was a bridge that led to a place I don't ever want to return to . I went on just ensure that he had read it, and now my heart is in my throat thinking about how angry he is right now that I've stood up for myself, that I've finally stopped letting him play with my head. I'm so proud of the honesty.

In fact, this is the most honest time in my life, as far back as I can remember. It isn't often that I can sit with my boyfriend and read my emails, talk to my contacts on MSN, without hiding flirtations, secrets. There are no more. I'm finally at a place i can be faithful with someone. I hope I don't screw this one up.

no subject

erinbear — 2007-09-30T10:09:38-05:00

The worst thing is the world is feeling alone when there's someone else in the room.

argh

erinbear — 2007-10-03T09:10:17-05:00

Can someone please explain to mike that when he says "WOW, that shirt does nto fit you well" and then I don't wear it, that's nto a cause to be mad at me? Geez.

i watched a movie

erinbear — 2007-12-15T05:12:47-05:00

Love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and die.

pain

erinbear — 2008-03-31T04:03:01-05:00

Mike dumped me today.

HE won't leave because his name is on the lease

i went to hug him and he said im not allowed ot hug him anymore.

he's so cold i don't know who he is anymore.

when i told him i wanted to be with him he said why don't you just be mature about this. i don't want to be with you anymore.

i love him so much but i don't knwow hat im supposed to do.

work is in an hour.

my whole body hurts and i can hardly breath.

i neeed some help. i need a hug.

no subject

erinbear — 2009-10-26T05:10:27-05:00

Someone like you, And all you know, And how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me

I've been roaming around,
Always looking down at all I see

Erin's MindSay Blog

i just had to write about this, and those are seriously the suggested tags.

Love, life, and the pursuit of knowledge

Did you invent behavioural interviews?

Hot Topic of the Week!

zen!

Hot topic of the week!!

hooray.

Aegrescit medendo.. the remedy is worse than the disease

Reflections on the meaning of my life

oh..my..god!

Public Service Announcement

augh, the stupidity!

beer in hand and story in mind

Pissing contests

company

if bitchy comments were legal tender, I'd own the world..

bubbles and things

no subject

so it's been a long night..

realization..

Topic of the week!!

yaaay

the evolution of music & sex.

the tale of the unfailing optimist

no subject

being a rock star

alive..

Signs you're a useless excuse for a human being..err, i mean, teacher

something that bothers me

:o

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

Spontaneity

no subject

no subject

An update that makes sense? Could it be?! No.

what i will remember about new years 2006

new!

no subject

stupid timewaster

no subject

Jumping the shark

timewaster from the blog of mr james

Passing on something that made me smile

to the victor go the spoils?

saturday afternoon..upda...

fucked up.

bad day..

my lips may promise but my heart is a whore

blahblah

the perfect man

stupidity on the high seas

aggravation :(

sometime i hate dreams..

developments!!!

BC

here is a cute story my mom told me yesterday

*headdesk*

philosophical today.

remember this

no subject

best easter ever

arrgh

so uhh yeah

life and its changes

James Dean

score update!

happy birthday to me?

Kurtis

no subject

stupid lyrics post

...

pathetic

toxicity

argh!

good people vs the other ones.

me and mike!

headdesk